I am looking at the ocean with her turbulent waves.
Pondering on who I am to perceive this and live this.
The infinite sky, birds flying by,
the earth to whom I belong, the rocks.
This house, so trusted after 20 years of caring for her and she caring for me.
Was I led to be here or did I choose?
I never could have imagined a house so abundantly fitting for me.
Someone else dreamed her into being and left her for me to find.
This miracle called life, my mind doesn't understand.
Maybe we don't need to explain.
just live the life that has been given to us and take the next step.
I sit on my couch in the living room of the house where I have lived for more than 50 years.
To my right there are two candles and a small Buddha statue.
On the other side I have a view of the garden.
I love to look at the tall, swaying trees in the neighbor’s yard.
Now that it is winter I can see the sky through the branches and birds flying by.
How privileged I feel with all this familiarity around me!
So often I think of people who are cold and for whom it is war...
These thoughts sometimes make me feel like I'm falling short.
I just bought a colorful bouquet of tulips with a few glitters in it for the transition to the new year.
And I am musing on what I wish for all of us.
I wish for everyone prosperity, and peace and safety...
The desire for the masculine continues to play a role in my life.
Now a man appears in this diptych.
I like it when my inner process shows up in my paintings.
It helps me to get more clarity about a theme.
I just returned from a trip to Guatemala, where I visited a school project that is initiated and fundraised by Dutch people.
The name of the project is Niños de Guatemala.
The schools are in the poorest districts of Antigua, where a lot of the people are illiterate.
It was wonderful to see how the schools are thriving, even though more money is needed for raising the level of skill of the curriculum for teaching English.
I had the privilege of leading a painting workshop for 30 mothers, teachers and children.
All participants were eager to be painting and we loved the result.
I'm still following the ideas from my book Wholeness Complete.
Today I read the idea 156: It is important to remind myself of my Goal.
With my hands on the center of my body, I ask my being which direction I want to pursue.
I expect an answer like inner peace, balance or harmony.
Instead, my body starts to enjoy the touch and moves toward delightful cuddling.
Yes, my whole body wants to be alive as far as in the deepest regions.
What a taboo I have to break to dare to write about this!
Loving myself, my own life, is a lesson I learn, every time anew.
The lesson comes back in all kinds of new forms.
Especially when I feel rejected, abandoned by someone else.
I send love to the deeper regions of my body.
My creativity lives there, new ideas to continue with my life.
Without feeling overwhelmed by the behavior of someone else.
That's where space for myself is important, space for doing what I am here for.
It's okay if I forget from time to time.
Because that's also part of my life.
Sometimes I feel the need for renewal of my style of painting.
This painting is inspired by a warmup lesson for exploring cubism.
I enjoyed giving a color to the many facets of her body.
Love envelops me like a protective cloak.
This is idea 87 from my book Wholeness Complete.
It dawns on me ever more that I can be completely how I am in all my humanity.
Sad, angry, jealous, indignant, critical, insecure, timid, afraid to fail in the eyes of the people around me because I think I'm not living up to their expectations…
Everything is good.
The conviction that I should be different from the way I feel is so deeply imprinted.
I let today's idea sink in deeply and feel relieved.
Painting Sea Goddess was a transformative process.
The swans on her head were there from the beginning.
In addition to water, there came also the fire of the snake.
And the night became day.
In my deepest being, I feel a desire to be intimate with someone.
It's a great power that manifests itself in negative thoughts when I don't listen to her.
She is different from mourning the death of my dear husband.
It is a desire to be close to you, to enjoy your company, to travel through life together.
Should I dismiss this desire as dependence, attachment?
No, I have the feeling that the fulfillment of this desire is the most beautiful occurrence that could happen to me.
I cherish this great power...